DCU Danger Zone

DCU Danger Zone

Let's get topical for a second. Currently the East Coast of the United States is bracing for hurricane impact. Hurricane Sandy is making its way up north through the Atlantic ocean for a meeting with a high-pressure zone and an early winter storm moving south that apparently will wipe the Eastern coast off the map in a holocaust of wind, rain, and media over-hype.

All set to fuck up my Halloween. Dick move weather.

All joking aside, if not the biblical event being sold by news outlets, it's going to be a shitty time. I live right outside of Philadelphia and I'll admit, I moved the TV and electronics out of the finished basement, tested the sump pumps, moved the comics collection out of the attic (all I need is a tree plowing through the roof to destroy that collection), and have the generator ready to roll if I lose power (gotta keep those pumps going). I hope I'm not acting crazy, but I probably am. At least my neighbors are doing the same thing, so if nothing else, we're all crazy. CrazyTown, USA.

Regardless, this impending disaster preparation had me thinking about how the denizens of the Post-Crisis DC Comics Universe (DCU). While we're still working through the Pre-Crisis Primer with this blog and aren't into the meat of the Post-Crisis (only the entire point of this site) yet. So I'll jump ahead a bit and point out the kind of shit the DCU puts up with, using the 'Crisis on Infinite Earths' as our start point.

Just another day in the DC Universe.

 1985 – 1986: 'Crisis on Infinite Earths'--In terms of the Post-Crisis continuity, this crisis (is it a pun if I use the same word?) built-up much like a storm with skies turning red and then black until the whole planet is plunged into darkness. Bad enough, but then the darkness explodes into million of shadow forms who wreak havoc across the planet while the dimensional fabric is torn asunder.

1986: 'Legends'--Less of a disaster and more of a covert campaign by alien forces to shake the planet's belief and trust in their superheroes.

1988: 'Millenium'--Alien beings descend to Earth claim that ten citizens of the planet are based to ascend to the next evolutionary rung of human existence. Angry, ancient robots appear and start punching the hell out of people in hopes of finding the ten. Not a good story, and not much of a disaster.

1989: “Invasion!”--Not content with attacking Earth one at a time anymore, multiple alien races form an Alliance to kick Earth out of the galaxy. Open warfare persists and Australia is even annexed by the Alien Alliance at one point. Lots of fun destruction and spaceships appearing in the sky.

Third time this year.

1991: “War of The Gods”--Every god of every mythological pantheon arrives to start kicking the shit out of each other on Earth. Mind blown.

1992: “The Darkness Within”--Eclipso, whom we've met here in some respect, is actually revealed to be a previous Angel of Vengeance. When god asked Noah to build the ark, because he was going to kill the planet with a flood, Eclipso was the being who actually did the flooding. Technically he's killed the planet once and is ready to try again by possessing both heroes, villains, and ordinary citizens and turning them against one another. Probably the closest the DCU has come to a zombie apocalypse.

1993: “Bloodlines”--Another alien invasion, this time from blood-sucking parasites who love the taste of human blood. Inexplicably, their bite has a 1 in 1000 chance (or something stupid) to turn a regular human into a superhero). Destruction abound.

1994: “Zero Hour”--Time is destroyed. Not much more of a disaster than that.

1995: “Underworld Unleashed”--No shit, The Devil comes to Earth to offer villains increased power and wealth for the measly price of their souls. Destruction abound part deux.

1996: “Final Night”--The sun goes out. Literally the sun is completely extinguished and the planet begins to freeze as everything dies.

1997: “Genesis”--The entire universe, thanks to a passing 'God-Wave' that originates from the edge of the universe, experiences a crisis of faith. The means, strength, and instinct to go on living slowly ebbs from people as the become more and more obsessed with taking their own lives. Yes, the universe sits down collectively to mope and listen to The Cure.

1998: “DC One Million”--a virus from the 853^rd century (I love you comics) is unleashed on our present. The virus is lethal, incurable, and the last-ditch effort from a malevolent entity (a self-aware, sentient sun) in the future to ensure his own existence by forcing his creation in the present. Grab your paradoxes, this one is destruction cubed.

1999: “Day of Judgment”--The Devil returns and his plan this time is to just raise the dead and send them against the Earth. The second zombie apocalypse to hit the DCU.

2000: “World War III”--A weapon hidden deep within the universe, designed specifically for killing Gods, blazes a trail to Earth. The anti-sun warhead promises to obliterate all life in the dimension once it detonates.

2001: “Our Worlds At War”--More aliens attack. Kansas is wiped off the map.

Not a joke, just the commute home. Avoid I-95.

I'm going to stop here for now, it's easy to get the point that shit happens in the DCU. The above is only the yearly multi-title, get-all-the-heroes-together disaster that would plague this fictional planet Earth, not including any dimensional rifts, alien invasions, or other evil shenanigans that might occur in between each 'event.'

So that's definitely a list of comics where some shit happens and the point is I was thinking of this in regards to me own real-life preparation against something as mundane as a hurricane. I move furniture from my basement to protect it in case I do get water. What would a citizen of the DCU do when the skies turn red? Would the news constantly update viewers on the supposed track and timing of the attacking alien armada or the leftover god-killing weapon from the edge of the dimension? What are insurance rates like on this planet: Do clauses for invasions, superhero possession or demon spawn attack factor into policies? Does the 'act of God' clause of a contract really cover damage if cause by an actual God?

Another aspect: Look at the timeline; at least one major disaster a year in publication time. What about the compressed timeline? Batman debuted in 1939. No way he's 90 years old, so in terms of the DCU, a compressed timeline is assumed; for example, if one issue of Batman features the hero tied to a death trap as a cliffhanger, the opening of the next issue, published in a month's time, will show Batman escaping from the trap. He didn't spend a month tied up, the assumption is that while a month passed for us, the reader, a second passed for Batman in the DCU. Easy enough.

Anytown, USA. The heartland of the country.

With this in mind, how often is the DCU besieged? Once a week? Twice a week? Does one month have time completely ending and then three weeks later The Devil appears to stage an invasion. A month after that, the sun is extinguished?

How does anyone get anything done: the entirety of the planet must be on Xanax or some other anti-anxiety medication. Is Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder common? Therapists in the DCU must be a dime a dozen and continuously busy. It's insane. I can't even imagine such a society being able to accomplish anything with the amount of near-destruction they deal with. The end of the world has to be blasé by this point. Another alien invasion, ho-hum. All I have to deal with is the weather. Not so bad right? Too bad I'm real and the DCU isn't.